I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
