tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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