I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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