Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
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