Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
