So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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