My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
