Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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