Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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