I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
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