And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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