mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
