I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
