I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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