I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Someone shattered a urinal.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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