there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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