my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
