Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I understand Curling. That high.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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