I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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