I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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