what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
