i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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