I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
