Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
