and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
