I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
