the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
