the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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