I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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