I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The air was thick with penises
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
