i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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