I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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