and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
