I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
