so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
