I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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