thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
