Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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