do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Enjoy the penises
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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