turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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