I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
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There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
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I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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