I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
