This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
