tell your sister to shave her snatch
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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