If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
