Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
two words...techno handjob
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
