On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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