I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
