I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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