You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
There's always time for handjobs
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize