You smell like stripper and shame
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
