My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
