my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
