Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's shark week go big or go home
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
